The Organization's Week
by Idarak
Summary: The Organization's week. Full of betrayal, plot twists and stupidity.
1. Sunday

Just a story I decided to write. Hope you enjoy it! Each chapter will have at least one appearance from each member, including Xion.

* * *

It was Sunday, the Organization's day off, a quiet day in the Castle that Never Was. Zexion was reading, Luxord was playing cards with Xaldin and Demyx was strumming away on his sitar. But inside Xemnas's room, all was not well.

"For the last time, stop setting Marluxia's garden on fire!" shouted Xemnas, perched in his throne in front of Axel, his arms crossed.

"But it was an accident…"Axel murmured, like a child being told off, his fingers still crackling with fire.

"Axel, you have been one of the most troublesome members of the Organization. All the things you've done! There was creating replicas of yourself who caused havoc…"

"That was an accident! Vexen shouldn't have left his cloning machine on!"

"Stealing Demyx's sitar! We had to drain the entire castle!"

"He told me I could borrow it!"

"And worst of all, you drew a scary face on Roxas's ceiling!"

_He couldn't sleep for weeks…_Axel smiled fondly as he remembered Roxas's cries of terror.

"This has to stop, VII. I am hearby stripping you of your powers forever!"

Axel collapsed to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Okay, a week then." Xemnas said, frowning.

Axel stomped out of the room, fuming at Xemnas.

_Ah, it's good to be Superior_, thought Xemnas, leaning back in his throne. "Saix! Fetch me a drink!"

Saix rushed in, dressed in the French maid costume like Xemnas had told him to. "Of course, Superior!" He rushed off again.

*

"I win again." said Luxord, tossing his winning hand onto the table.

Xaldin slammed his fist onto the table, then scowled at Luxord. "Why don't you let me win?"

Luxord smiled slyly. "Because then I wouldn't be the Gambler of Fate, would I? You know I've never lost a game!"

Xaldin tosses his cards down then stomped off to the library to be emo with Zexion or something.

_Oh yeah_…Luxord quickly emptied his sleeves of cards.

*

"V! Fetch me Potion No. 57548!" cried Vexen, throwing his arms in the air and laughing maniacally.

_I wish he wouldn't do that…_thought Lexaeus as he opened the potion cabinet and sifted through them until he found the required one, a purple and green slime. He handed it to Vexen.

"At last! My creation is finally complete!" He pressed a button on the wall and instantly the lights went out as a flash of electricity surged through his creation.

"It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!" laughed Vexen.

"No it isn't. It's a broom with a pink feather duster on its head and crudely drawn facial features." replied Lexaeus matter-of-factly.

"Thanks for spoiling my fun. Yes, Marluxia commissioned me to make a likeness of him so Axel could burn it instead of his garden. I have made a special flame-proof solution for it! It never burns!"

There was a knock on the door and Marluxia strode him, his normally bright hair charred. "Is it ready yet, Vexen?"

Lexaeus handed the broom to Marluxia who carried it away. _They're like twins…_

*

Xigbar stared down at the electric whisk in the kitchens of the castle. It was his worst enemy, a foe he could never defeat. Until now…

"That's it! I will conquer you, electric whisk!"

His sweaty hands grasped the whisk's handle and lowered it steadily towards the eggs and flour.

_Come on, Xiggy. You're just firing a gun. Line it up, and press the trigger…_

The whisk was in the mix now, and Xigbar's finger poised over the trigger, ready to strike. With a last prayer, he pressed it.

The rotations started, steady at first but growing increasingly frenzied until the liquid was flowing smoothly through the hard, rods composing the end.

_Hmm…am I making this sound dirtier than it should be?_ thought Xigbar, losing his concentration and sending the whisk flying out of his hands and swinging around the room.

_Damn you, whisk! _he thought as he was dragged violently down the corridors.

*

Zexion was in his favourite chair in the library, reading a large tome he had found in the dustier corner of the library. Suddenly, Demyx strode in, swinging his sitar around and playing like his life depended on it. Puddles of water formed where he walked.

_Better keep him away from my book…_He slammed the book closed as Demyx stopped him and stopped playing. "Hi, Zexy!"

Zexion sighed. "Please tell me you haven't started calling me that too. Only Xigbar and Larxene call me that."

Demyx rolled his eyes.

"Demyx, why are you here? You never come in the library unless you've…" There was a pause. "Who was it?"

"Larxene. Kunai."

Zexion slapped himself. "Look, I'd advise you to put them on the table and leave. Maybe she'll find them later."

Suddenly, a sound that chilled their bloods was heard. Footsteps, heavy, vengeful, at the other side of the library. Instantly, Demyx produced the knives and tossed them to Zexion. "Here, you hide them!" he said, panicked.

Zexion tossed them back then backed away. "You stole them!"

Suddenly, Demyx unexpectedly dropped the kunai, sending a small shock of thunder into the air. Within seconds, Larxene had appeared.

Zexion pointed at Demyx, who smiled embarrassedly.

On the other side of the castle, Saix dropped Xemnas's tea tray as the pair's screams echoed out.

*

Xion and Roxas had just returned from a mission when Xemnas called for a meeting in the Round Room. What they saw there was not exactly concerting. Saix was dressed as a French maid with a tea-stained apron. Xigbar was covered in white stuff. Zexion and Demyx were rubbing painful-looking sores on their bodies and Marluxia's hair was burnt. Xemnas took one look at them all and just shook his head.


	2. Monday

Note: While I know that only Roxas and Xion can collect hearts, I'm going to refer to the other members are going on heart-collecting missions anyway.

* * *

It was Monday, and the Organization were back to work. They had met in the Grey Area at the start of the day and Saix had assigned them all their missions. There were some unfavourable matches, and the Organization grumbled as they paired up and summoned their portals to leave.

As soon as they arrived in Wonderland, Roxas, Demyx and Axel began swinging their weapons madly, not caring if they hit Heartless or that annoying white rabbit that they loved to torment so. Before long, they had collected the required amount of hearts, and were heading back to the portal when Roxas noticed that Demyx and Axel were rather miserable-looking.

"What's the matter with you two? Normally you love it here in Wonderland? There the shrinking potion, and the talking doorknob, and that fat lady! What's the matter?

Axel folded his arms and groaned. "Xemnas took away my powers for a whole week! How can I enjoy killing things if I can't burn them?" He began to sob and Roxas rolled his eyes before turning to Demyx, who was sitting perched on a mushroom, his sitar lying to his side and not on his lap as usual.

"And what's the problem with you, Demyx?" Roxas asked, wondering what could possibly be making the Melodious Nocturne _miserable._

Demyx smiled grimly, and Roxas could automatically tell it was forced. "Nothin', Roxas. Let's go." He stood up, grabbed his sitar and began walking back towards the portal. Roxas began to console Axel as Demyx walked rather stiffly.

_Ouch…burns…in embarrassing…places…ow._

*

Ah, Twilight Town. The Most Boring Place In Existance, thought Zexion, as he and Xigbar headed down the road. And that background music! It was still stuck in his brain since last time!

Zexion sighed as he cast a discrete spell to block his ears up to the music. Anyway, Saix had told them that their mission was to "Test your agility by finding several Organization emblems," which Zexion knew was code for "Xemnas lost all his Organization emblems. Go and get them back."

They soon split up to find the lost Emblems. Before long, Zexion found himself confronted by a very odd-looking creature, wearing a blue jacket, a pointy hat and a black face. The creature stared up at him quizzically, holding out its hand in a gesture of friendship. Zexion immediately beat it unconscious with his lexicon, then went to look for Xigbar, who was no doubt hunting for whisks to destroy.

*

Marluxia and Larxene were surprised when it was announced that Xemnas, the Superior himself, would be accompanying them on their mission to Beast's Castle today. The Superior normally did nothing except sit on his ass all day with Saix bringing him tea.

As soon as they stepped out of the portal, Marluxia turned to Xemnas. "Superior, why are you with us today?" But he thought he already knew the answer.

Xemnas frowned at Marluxia. "Because, you two, whenever one of you goes on a mission, a lot of that world's native inhabitants end up severely injured and in therapy."

Marluxia stared down at his feet but Larxene protested. "How are we supposed to know they aren't Heartless? Some of them look like them…" Her voice faded away.

Xemnas simply shook his head. "Look, I'm here to make sure you aren't causing trouble in the worlds. Look, you need to collect hearts today, so don't pay attention to me at all."

As the pair fought off Heartless, Xemnas loomed over them like a paranoid boss, making it hard to concentrate at all. Eventually, after hiding from a talking candlestick for the tenth time, the pair snapped and instantly struck the candlestick with vines and jolts of electricity. Xemnas simply stared in shock as the candlestick collapsed onto the floor, mumbling to himself and wide-eyed.

Eventually, the noise died down, the only sounds of Marluxia and Larxene's heavy pants as they rested from their anger. Just as Xemnas was about to say something, Larxene turned, snatched up the candlestick and made a glare that said, _if you say one more thing I will personally insert the candlestick somewhere it shouldn't._

"Meep" murmured Xemnas, then teleported away.

Marluxia and Larxene smiled and continued on their mission.

*

Xaldin _hated _going to Never Land. After over twenty missions here, that fairy would _still _not give the power of flight. Even after hours spent buying gifts and even a moonlight dinner by the sea. Maybe it was his dreadlocks. Or his sideburns. Maybe he should just go bald. He didn't know.

After all, how the hell was he supposed to complete his missions if he was stuck on one small rock in the sea. Cursed portals, always placing him on the same rock. He had spent many hours sitting there, throwing rocks at Heartless when they passed so he could actually collect hearts.

And today he was partnered with the new girl, Xion. She wouldn't say a word, wouldn't remove her hood, and wouldn't really do anything to improve Xaldin's mood. They simply sat there on that rock, small pebbles in hand, alert for coming Heartless.

_This is pathetic. Why does Saix make us come here if we can't even do anything? When I get back I'll rip him a new one, with one spear or six._

Suddenly, the little yellow fairy appeared, flitting around their heads and sprinkling them with yellow dust. What was she doing? Unless…

Before he knew it, Xion was flying, hovering off the ground. No, it couldn't be. What had he done different today? Maybe it was that perfume Vexen had made for him? He jumped up in the air, and he was flying.

Just as he started flying towards a likely-looking Heartless, one of his dreadlocks drifted in front of his eye, and in his attempt to brush it out of his eye, he lost altitude, smashing into Xion and sending them both tumbling down towards a rock.

_No problem_, thought Xaldin. But then he realized he couldn't fly anymore, and the last thing he saw before he and Xion smashed into the ground was that fairy giggling at him.

*

Of all the places to send the Chilly Academic, the sweltering heat of Agrabah would be the worst. He was the pure embodiment of ice, and if he wasn't as psychotic, he would have melted instantly and ran screaming away.

And even so, Saix was with him, so he wouldn't have dared anyway. There mission was to investigate some ruins on the outskirts of the walled city, in the hot, sweat-inducing, burning…

Vexen realized he was lying on the ground, rocking back and forth. He quickly got up before Saix saw him then caught up his ally. As they walked towards the city gates, they encountered a few Heartless in their way, which included one particularly violent one that he suspected was the secret child of Saix, Xaldin and Lexaeus.

He quickly shook that particularly disturbing image from his head, as they reached the city gates. Suddenly, Saix ducked behind some crates, and Vexen did likewise. A small monkey ran into the courtyard, wearing a fez.

This was bad. As anyone with common sense knew, small fury animals instantly set off Saix's Berserk…

The monkey ran as Saix emerged, swinging his claymore and screaming with rage.

*

Luxord and Lexaeus had finished their mission in the Olympus Coliseum and were just heading out when Luxord suggested that they play a game to decide who supervised Xigbar as he tried to cook tonight, a task nobody relished.

Typical, thought Lexaeus, another card game. I'll lose. Still, I might as well try.

"I have here a pack of Tarot cards." He gave Lexaeus the cards, who checked them. All in order. "I will randomly stack them, then you will pick one. If you pick one that starts with "The", you win." Luxord smiled grimly.

That was odd, thought Lexaeus. There are a lot more cards that start with "The", than the ones that don't. The Sun, The High Priestess, The Emperor…

He picked one after Luxord had stacked them. The Fool. He won!

Lexaeus resisted doing a victory dance (he'd do that in his room later), and handed the card back to Luxord, who smiled.

"You win."

It was only later that Xemnas told them all that their jobs would be randomly swapped tonight. Lexaeus almost instantly collapsed when he found he would have to supervise Saix's Anger Management classes.


	3. Tuesday

And another chapter. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Late on Monday night, Roxas got a message from Marluxia in the form of a letter. It read:

Dear Roxas

Come to Xigbar's room tonight at 3 am. Make sure you aren't followed.

Marluxia

P.S.

Roxas read the P.S. His eyes widened in terror.

Later, at 2:59, he knocked on Xigbar's door. Xigbar opened it and smiled widely at Roxas.

"Roxas! Come on in!" He beckoned Roxas in and Roxas found himself surrounded by Marluxia, Luxord, and Xigbar, their eyes stretching in glee. His pupils dilated and he collapsed in a foetal position on the floor. The smile disappeared from Marluxia's face as he went over and prodded Roxas's unconscious form with his scythe. Luxord scratched his beard.

"What's wrong with him? In the letter it said we were promoting him from Noob to Rookie, didn't it?"

Marluxia noticed Xigbar was giggling in a corner and growled at the man. "Xigbar! What did you put in that letter?" Xigbar simply collapsed in hysterics. Marluxia extracted the letter from Roxas's cloak and read it hastily, then threw it at Xigbar.

"You fool! No wonder Roxas was scared! You wrote, "P.S., bring lubricant," at the bottom of the letter!" Xigbar simply laughed even harder, and soon Luxord was smiling as well. Marluxia gave Roxas another kick, then froze. He teleported away and came back a minute later with a pink-coloured makeup box, which he placed next to Roxas and opened. As the three older men decorated Roxas's face, Luxord asked Marluxia a question they would normally never have asked.

"Why do you have a pink makeup case, Marluxia?"

Marluxia turned pink and Xigbar fell into hysterics again. "Umm…it's Larxene's…?"

Luxord simply glanced at the case. "What's this then? "Property Of Marluxia, The Sexiest Man Alive With The Coolest Weapon."" He read off the box.

Marluxia collapsed and went back to the lipstick.

*

Around the breakfast table on Tuesday morning, after everyone had finished laughing at Roxas and he'd gone off to cry in the bathroom, Larxene came stomping in, the usual bitchy expression on her face. He sat down in her place at the bottom of the table between Marluxia and Roxas's empty seat. After food had been brought (cooked by Xigbar, the worst chef alive, who made even sandwiches taste like the testicles of a disease-ridden cafeteria worker), Demyx called over to her.

"What's the matter, Larx?" His voice was high, like he was trying to hide something. She simply grimaced at him and turned back to Saix, who was handing out the mission briefings. She was partnered with Demyx himself today, in Twilight Town. As they waited for the portal to appear (stupid taxpayers, you use a couple of portals without paying and now you have to wait for the connection to arrive), Demyx spoke to her again.

To this day, no-one has ever found out what Demyx said to her to make her so mad, and no-one asked. It wasn't until late that night when Roxas found Demyx, unconscious, with Larxene's kunai accurately placed in several of his orifices. Maybe he had stole something from her? Maybe he had made even the slightest reference to "that time of the month"? Or maybe Larxene was being a bitch as usual.

*

At around midday, Xemnas remembered he was meant to be looking around the Castle. After all, unless he could prove to the landlord that they were actually doing some work, they'd be evicted. As he wandered around, he shouted several things to the Organization's members.

"Xigbar! Stop fondling that whisk and start cooking!"

"Roxas! Makeup, off, now!"

"Axel! Stop bothering Zexion and get moving!"

He soon arrived at the basement, drawn by Vexen's psychotic laughs. Lexaeus was with him, leaning against the wall as usual. Xemnas strode in and the pair stood to attention.

"What are we doing today, IV and V?"

Vexen's eyes lit up with glee and he strode to the table, where some sort of machine was humming evilly.

"Why, Superior, Lexaeus and I are experimenting how many gigowatts of radiation it takes to explode a mouse!" He pressed a button and there was a small splattering sound from within the machine. Vexen laughed.

"Lexaeus! 25! That's a new record!"

Lexaeus wrote down 25 on a sheet of paper with other times on it. He reached into a box behind him and picked up a mouse wearing a red hat by the tail, tossing it to Vexen.

"Hey, stop it! I'm warning you!" squeaked the mouse, but Vexen simply dunked into a hole in the machine.

Xemnas facepalmed and walked away.

*

Axel and Xion were laughing and joking together in the Grey Area when Saix entered the room, glancing around for someone to annoy.

"Great. Here comes Mr. Happy." Axel joked, folding his arms as Saix strode over to him. Xion slipped her hood up discreetly.

"Axel! Stop talking to that _thing_! Didn't I tell you to help Luxord set the table for dinner?" Saix's eye twitched; Anger Management Class with Xaldin was not fun.

Axel found a way to take advantage of the situation and put an arm around Saix's shoulder.

"Why, Saix, my friend, it was Xion who has to set the table today!" His eyebrows raised. "Did you take your tablets today?"

Saix's faces softened. "No…I didn't." He shook off Axel's arm and shambled off. "Thanks…Axel…" He left the room and there was a crash, then a roar. Saix had probably walked into Demyx. Again.

Xion frowned at Axel and walked off towards the dining room, murmuring expletives at him under her breath.

*

Late that night, when all the others Nobodies had gone to bed, Zexion headed into the library for some late night reading. He was surprised when he heard the hum and saw the glow of the library's computer. Strange, nobody normally used that computer, except when someone wanted to download pictures of furry animals to show to Saix.

Zexion peered round a corner and saw Xaldin hunched over the computer, near to his favourite chair. Great. How was he supposed to get any reading down with Xaldin there? He read best alone.

"Hey, Xaldin. What are you looking at?"

Xaldin jumped; he obviously hadn't hear Zexion come in. His arms leapt up to cover the screen and he glared at Zexion, his jaw quivering.

"Nothing."

Zexion raised his eyebrows, but nonetheless found his book and sat down. But he was intrigued and so decided on a plan. He quickly summoned a clone of himself and had it stand near Xaldin's far shoulder. When Xaldin turned to cover the screen, the real Zexion quickly leapt up and stared at the screen. Xaldin turned at the last second, but it was no use. Zexion had seen.

"The Kingdom Hearts Kink Meme?" Zexion enquired. "Our Kingdom Hearts?"

Zexion grabbed the mouse and for the next moment browsed the page, his eyes widening and bad images springing into his mind. But he had to admit. He was intrigued.

Xaldin buried his face in his hands. But finally Zexion turned from the screen and spoke. "The things you can do with ice cream, eh?"

"I'm rather embrassed, you know, Zexion. If you want to know, I made a request myself…" Zexion turned back to the screen and found Xaldin's prompt. Demyx and Axel, the kink being…wait, what did that word even mean? He glanced at Xaldin like a small child.

"Look, Zexion, it's better you didn't know."

They were still there in the morning, having browsed all 2,447 pages of the Kingdom Hearts Kink Meme.


	4. Wednesday

Not as funny as some other chapters, sorry.

* * *

At breakfast on Wednesday morning, Saix was surprised to find that Zexion was missing from the table. Normally, No. VI was one of the most punctual members of the Organization. It was strange he should not be here now. He quickly grabbed Marluxia and the pair of them teleported to outside Zexion's room. Saix knocked rapidly on the door.

"Zexion! Where are you?" There was no reply.

Saix sighed. "Okay, Marluxia, break down the door!"

Marluxia raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Couldn't we just teleport inside? It would be much simpler."

"Break it down, neophyte!" screamed Saix, waving his fist with the slightly deranged look on his face.

With a sigh, Marluxia slashed the door with his scythe and it instantly broke down. They walked in to find Zexion still lying in bed, his normally perfect hair askew and his face covered in sweat. Saix grabbed his shoulders and shook him awake. Zexion instantly screamed in terror, rolling around and getting himself tangled up in the covers as he mumbled seemingly random words.

"Kink Meme…Mansex…ice cream…AkuRoku…up all night…NAGAS!"

He collapsed in hysterics and Marluxia quickly face palmed and left. Saix stared sternly down at Zexion, then turned away to walk out. As he left, he said "You better be awake soon."

Saix's mind wandered as he walked away down the hall. _Mansex? Kink Meme? _He eventually decided to spend some time that night browsing the computer in the library, possibly checking Zexion's Internet history…

*

Unfortunately, Xion had been given the task of assisting Xigbar cook for dinner. As soon as he entered the kitchen, his normally joking persona turned sour and he became strict and panicky. He donned a tea-stained apron which he'd found in the laundry room and, casting a wary glance at the whisk on the surface nearby, stood at the counter, hands spread apart. He turned to her and asked "So, Poppet, what shall we cook today?"

She hated it when he called her that. "Um…why don't we find a cookbook…?" She reached up into a cupboard and brought out a pile of cookbooks. They started to browse them. _Ten Ways To Cook With Furry Animals By Saix, How To Combine Cooking And Science By Vexen, _and _Ways To Cook WITHOUT Whisks By Xigbar_.

Hmm. Tough choice.

Eventually they decided on a rather sane-looking cookbook called _Hot Cooking By Axel_. They found a likely-looking recipe and Xigbar read the ingredients out while Xion gave them to him.

"Chilli."

"Flour."

"Tomatoes."

"Vinegar."

"Pomegranate."

"Red Wine."

Suddenly Xion realized Xigbar was asking for items that had nothing to do with the recipe. She stopped and stared at him and noticed he had spaced out, using a rolling pin to try to gouge out his other eye. She quickly disarmed him then noticed the recipe required the use of a whisk, which must have set Xigbar off. She calmed him down and sent him away so she could cook in peace.

*

Roxas and Demyx had been sent out to a mission in Halloween Town to collect hearts. As they explored the tiny town, they encounter various Heartless, mostly weak ones. In the town square, however, they found themselves facing a Zip Slasher.

Demyx put a hand to his face. "I hate these guys…"

Roxas sighed. "Me too, but we better get fighting." He wielded his Keyblade.

Begrudingly, Demyx started playing his sitar, sending a pillar of water at the Heartless as Roxas rushed in, swinging his Keyblade. They started to beat it, blocking, jumping, dodging, getting hurt, healing, attacking…

Suddenly, Demyx accidentally swung his sitar and hit Roxas in the face. He fell backwards, then leapt up and faced Demyx.

"What did you do that for?"

"Sorry, man, I didn't mean to."

"Yeah you did! Idiot!"

"Rookie!"

"Water-boy!"

"What sort of person uses a key anyway!"

"And who uses a guitar?"

"It's a SITAR!"

"GUITAR!"

"SITAR!"

"GUITAR!"

The Zip Slasher simply stared blankly at the two Nobodies.

"DANCE, WATER, DANCE!"

"LET'S FINISH THIS!"

"DANCE, WATER, DANCE!"

"LET'S FINISH THIS!"

"DANCE, WATER, DANCE!"

"LET'S FINISH THIS!"

The Heartless had had enough. It ripped out it's heart, threw it in front of the Nobodies, then died. They stopped fighting momentarily then Roxas bent down to pick up the heart. There was silence for a moment.

"Umm…let's RTC." suggested Demyx.

"Yeah…" said Roxas, shaking water out of his hair.

*

Axel, Xaldin and Larxene had just returned from a reconnaissance mission in Twilight Town. Xaldin was in a foul mood as usual. Neither Larxene nor Axel knew why. Surely it wasn't the pail of water Axel dumped on him earlier? Or Larxene accidentally frying his dreadlocks?

As Xaldin tromped back to his room, Axel crept up behind him to scare him, but Xaldin stopped, held up his hand and said "Look, you two, I've been up all night and thanks to one website, I'm now more mature than either of you. I'm not in a mood to be messed with." He kept walking as the pair made rude signs behind his back. He knew what they were doing, but didn't particularly care. He had a new plan.

_I'm definitely planting cameras in everyone's rooms. I need inspiration for new requests on the Kink Meme._

Before long he was in the library, alone, thankfully. He quickly checked the Kink Meme for progress. Nothing new except for a new "omg this fill sux" comment. He then left, but didn't count on Axel and Larxene dropping from the ceiling where they'd been hiding and quickly checking Xaldin's history. They spent the next minute browsing. Larxene simply smiled, occasionally muttering "I knew it" or something like that. Axel, however, collapsed, murmuring "Innocence…lost forever…"

*

Lexaeus finally had some time on his own. Normally he was helping Vexen with his experiments or Saix was bitching at him or Luxord was cheating in card games or Roxas was being emo or…

Life in the Organization was annoying.

He relaxed in the empty Grey Area, sitting back in the chair. He was therefore disappointed when the door opened and he leapt up preparing to shout at Saix or Larxene or whoever it was.

He almost screamed like a girl when the Superior was standing in front of him.

He saluted and stood rigid as Xemnas smiled slyly at him.

"Lexaeus. I need you to do something for me." He tossed Lexaeus an extremely colourful, square shaped object covered in different coloured squares. "I retrieved this object from a Dusk and apparently the secret to Kingdom Hearts is inside it. I need you to try to solve it. Apparantly, matching the colours on all sides will reveal the power within. Good luck." He walked away again and Lexaeus was left holding the colourful cube.

He sat down again and started to twist it, trying desperately to solve it.

*

Before dinner, Luxord was in the dining room, sitting at his place playing cards with Vexen, who had decided to cease obliterating mice for a few hours to eat. As expected, Luxord was winning. He had stopped trying to explain the game to Vexen and was now just letting Vexen randomly choose cards and therefore completely screw up his game.

"I win. Again."

Vexen screamed then tossed the cards on to the ground, then piercing them with icicles. He panted heavily for a few moments.

"57-0." Luxord murmured, almost laughing."

It took Marluxia, Saix and Roxas to stop Vexen strangling Luxord and then two hours for Luxord to thaw.

*

At 11 o'clock that night, the castle was silent, except for Lexaeus, still sitting in the Grey Area trying to solve that damn puzzle.


	5. Thursday

Another day, thought Luxord, as he and Zexion prepared for today's mission in Wonderland. This week has been the most retarded one yet. And he'd seen a lot of madness in the Organization.

Zexion was emo as usual. Luxord thought he should just cut his hair back and stop it looking like a waterfall. There'd been times when Zexion had ended up walking into a wall and hurriedly walked away, hoping no-one had saw him. Luxord had, though. Not that he spied on Zexion all the time, of course.

As usual, they were given a creepy riddle by the Chesire Cat when they arrived in Wonderland. Luxord loved this world. There were cards, for God's sake! Walking, talking cards! Sure he couldn't play with them of course, (not like _that_, of course), but it was still fun to watch them. (God, he needed to stop being dirty…)

Zexion walked away to find the Heartless they needed to brutally murder and the pair of them arrived at a small garden with a long table in the center. Already aware of what was soon to happen to in here, Luxord hung back and let Zexion walk forward.

Moments later, the tunes of "It's your Unbirthday!" reached his ears and he giggled as Zexion was brutally mind-raped by Wonderland's inhabitants. He reached for his camera and smiled as he thought of how much those fangirls would pay for this.

_Unbirthday? Hell, he needed to clean his mind of dirtiness._

*

The Terrible Trio, Roxas, Axel, and Xion were training in the Hall of Empty Melodies for the day. They knew that Saix was taking his pills for a few hours and couldn't make sure they were training, and also knew that the Dusks and Samurai could be bought off with copies of "Dancers Gone Wild" which Axel had "borrowed" from Demyx's room. And so they simply sat there and joked, until suddenly an alarm sounded and rang through the room. The Castle That Never Was was under attack!"

"What happen?" cried Axel, leaping to his feet.

"Somebody set us up the bomb!" shouted Roxas, summoning his Keyblade.

"We get signal!" they heard Vexen shout from the balcony above as he leaned over and shouted at them.

"What?" asked Xion.

"Main screen turn on."

"It's you!"

"How are you gentlemen! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

"Wait, why are we speaking like this?" wondered Vexen, turning to the trio next to him. They scratched their heads in wonder.

There was awkward silence. "Anyway, Vexy, we better go and protect the castle. Why don't you go and see Xemnas and ask what's happening?"

"I am your Superior, No. VII, and I will not be spoken to like that!" he swirled around and stomped up the stairs. The trio made rude signs behind his back as usual then went back to speaking Engrish.

*

Unfortunately, Saix was worried. Mainly because the landlord wasn't payed yet and was threatening to evict them if they didn't get him money by Sunday night.

Unfortunately, Saix had had another weird idea and had decided to host a fundraising show in Twilight Town on Saturday night to pay the landlord. Lexaeus was given the task of looking over video footage of the Organization's performance. Lexaeus sighed. Watching Xigbar dance for four minutes to "A Pirate's Life For Me" was not pretty.

Saix was twitching as usual, his hand occasionally reaching for his claymore as if he wanted to smash the table to smithereens.

No. V had had enough and asked Saix what he was doing.

"Why, Lexaeus, isn't it obvious! Here, let me show you…"

Ten minutes later, Saix sat back down and Lexaeus still stared at the wall, trying to cleanse his mind of all he had just seen.

"Heaven help Twilight Town…"

*

Xigbar was bored, and so he decided to browse the library until he found a likely looking book. It was entitled "The Organization's Family Album". Intrigued, he opened it and in a minute, understood it was pictures of all the Organization's events.

First in the book was Xemnas writing "Organization XIII" on a piece of paper and nailing it to the door of a wooden shack.

Second was the other five founding members arriving inside the cramped shack. It wasn't particularly pretty, seeing as how Lexaeus's knee was pressing against The Superior's groin and Zexion had an elbow rammed in Vexen's gut.

Third was the six founders standing in line. Fourth was the same except Saix, Axel, and Demyx were in it. The first six looked rather disconcerted. Fifth added Luxord and Marluxia. The original six were now frowning. Larxene was then added and the original six looked positively psychotic.

The sixth picture was…odd, to say the least. It was apparently taken at one of Axel's all-night drinking parties, or at least the end of it. Probably drunk out of their minds, Roxas and Axel were engaged in a drunken make-out session, Demyx was balancing drinks on his sitar, and Larxene was drinking Saix under the table.

Xigbar closed the book, suddenly hearing a sound from behind him. Arrowguns already in his hands, he just glimpsed a figure swathed in black zooming through the shelves. But when he peered round the corner, there was no one there, just an air-vent lid lying on the floor and an echoing shaft on the ceiling.

*

"Pervert!" shouted Larxene as the chair with Xaldin tied to it hurtled off the balcony and smashed on the floor of the Hall of Empty Melodies. Xaldin quickly got up, but Larxene leapt down and began beating him with a baseball bat she produced out of nowhere.

As she was doing this, Marluxia teleported beside her, perplexed. "Umm…neophyte, why are you beating No. III with a baseball bat?"

Larxene spoke as she planted blow after blow of the bat upon Xaldin. "Because…he…planted…a…camera in…my bedroom!" She stopped, panting, allowing Xaldin to climb to his feet and run off, crying. She was about to chase after him but Marluxia grabbed her arm.

"Let him go, Larxene. And anyway, I suspect Xaldin, um…swings both ways…he planted cameras in everyone's bedrooms, you know. Xemnas is dealing with him."

Larxene shook of Marluxia's hand and ran off, clutching her kunai and screaming bloody murder for Xaldin.

Marluxia shrugged and figured he'd just wait until everyone else got back and have them lead a torch-and-pitchfork mob for No. III.

*

Demyx had just been returning to his room after the attack alarm, when he heard an anguished cry coming from Xemnas's room. He peered round the corner, hoping to see something amusing.

The Superior was bending over his desk, weeping. Okay, now this was weird, what was going on?

"Hey, Superior, what're you crying for?" Demyx asked cheerfully, planting a hand of Xemnas's clenched shoulder.

"My…my…my…files…all…gone…"

Demyx's eyes widened. "Oh, those papers in your desk? What's so important about them?"

Xemnas whirled around and grabbed Demyx by the throat. "WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT? WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?"

He dropped Demyx, gasping to the floor.

"THOSE FILES HOLD EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ORGANIZATION! OUR WEAPONS, OUR NAMES, OUR FORMER NAMES, OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION, EVERYTHING!"

Xemnas stood panting for several moments, then murmured, "And now someone's stolen them…they will pay!"


	6. Friday

Friday morning.

Breakfast.

The Organization were waiting for the Superior to arrive. We had a big announcement to make. In the meantime, they were all chatting and speculating about what was so important.

Just as Xigbar brought in the food, Xemnas strode in and everyone stood to attention as their leader floated towards his chair and the end of the table, and, without a word, sat down calmly, his eyes sweeping the room. There was silence for a moment while Xigbar set the table. When the Freeshooter had sat back down, Xemnas stood up again and spoke.

"I am sure you are all aware that yesterday the attack alarm went off. That was a false alarm, as I am sure you know."

The Organization glanced at each other. Roxas shrugged at Axel. Suddenly, Xemnas slammed his fist down on the table, startling the Organization and making them quickly focus on their Superior.

"But what I am sure you do not know is that that was a distraction, in order for someone to commit a heinous crime!" His voice rose higher and his face coloured. There were uneasy whispers around the room. "And that person, is one of you!" He pointed at them all in turn, narrowing his eyes overdramatically.

This time there were no whispers. One of them? Surely none of them would commit a crime against Xemnas himself?

"The crime itself is that my papers were stolen from my desk. You all know about the importance of those papers, I am sure." He folded his arms and narrowed his eyes. "My second-in-command Saix will act as interrogator today. I am returning to my chamber. None of you will leave this room until a confession is heard."

To emphasize that, Xemnas waved his hand, sealing the room, and teleported away.

Everyone stared as Saix stood up and moved to the head of the table. His eye twitched.

"And here we have a rogue's gallery. I don't trust any of you, and in my own world, you all stole those papers. You 12 have your own reasons for betraying the Organization, don't you? DON'T YOU?" He slammed his arms on the table and panted heavily, glaring at the Organization.

"13." Someone said.

"WHAT?" Saix shouted, glaring at the back of the room.

Xion stood up, staring at Saix determinedly. "There are 13 of us here. You are included as well, Saix."

Roxas cowered in worry. Larxene smiled evilly. Demyx frowned. Saix, however, stood up properly, and seemed to relax, still staring at Xion.

"And what would you know about anything, puppet?"

Axel stood up, his hair standing up on ends and his temper flaring. "Don't call her a puppet! Her name's Xion! Got it memorized?"

"Hmph. Axel, I don't really care at the moment. And anyway, XION, why would I, beloved Lord Xemnas's second-in-command, want to perpetrate against him?"

Everyone stared at Saix is shock and Axel and Xion sat back down.

"Oops." Saix realized his slip. "NOBODY HEARD ME SAY THAT!"

"Ha! Saix is ga-" Demyx was cut off as Saix plucked him out of his chair by the scruff of his neck and dunked his face in his cereal. Demyx struggled to get out of the milk.

"Um…Saix, I think Demyx's running out of air…" murmured Lexaeus.

"Shut up, V! His element is water! I think he can survive it for a while!" he raged.

"Milk is nothing like water, Saix." said Marluxia calmly. "Listen to this. Roxas, say "milk" three times."

Roxas scratched his head. "Okay…um, milk, milk, milk."

"Now what do cows drink?"

"Milk." Roxas replied. Some people laughed and pointed at him.

"No, dumbass." Larxene jeered. "Cows drink water. They produce milk."

"You should know, Larxene." sneered Axel, then regretted it as she shot a lightning bolt at him from across the table. He screamed in agony.

"You wanna say that again, Axel?" Larxene said.

"No…miss…" Axel rolled in a foetal position and started sucking his thumb.

"Look, can we just get on with this?" demanded Saix, not noticing that Demyx had stopped struggling. But no-one was listening to him.

"What did that even prove, anyway, Marluxia?" Luxord asked.

"I'm not really, sure…" someone else said.

"No one asked you, Zexion."

"You dare insult me? Do you want to be submitted to a world of ARCANE TORTURE?"

"Sit the hell down, Zexion."

"But Xaldin insulted me!"

"Xaldin, don't insult Zexion."

"Larxene, stop zapping me!"

"Xigbar, did you puke in this cereal or are you trying to kill me?"

"You know I try my best, Pinky!"

"Old pirate!"

"Effeminate freak!"

"Scar-face!"

"Flower-boy!"

"You're a terrible character in Mission Mode!"

"Oh yeah, well who's got more Mission Crowns?"

"What are you guys even talking about?"

"Roxas, stop being retarded and let them continue."

"Hey, don't call me retarded! And stop playing cards while I'm talking to you!"

"We should really stop them, Vexen, you know."

"No, let them bicker."

"Pansy!"

"You're a pirate, like everyone in Port Royal, the worst world EVAR!"

"Are they still at it?"

"I think so, Xion."

"You died way before I did!"

"Wait, how did you even know that?"

"I might as well break the fourth wall. It's not like anything else in this story makes any se-"

"I'MMA FIRIN' MA LAZOR!"

The shout was so loud it made everyone in the room silent as they turned to look at Lexaeus, who sighed and sat back down, then turned to Saix.

"Carry on."

Okay…anyway, Axel. Roxas. Xion. I think we'll start with you. You were training in the Hall of Empty Melodies yesterday, alone. You three could easily have been working together to set the alarm off and sneak into Xemnas's office!" His eyes narrowed as Axel glowered and Roxas panicked.

"OBJECTION!" shouted Vexen, standing up and pointing at Saix, his finger outstretched. "I was there on the upper level when the alarm went off. They were with me the whole time!"

The room turned full of voices as Vexen sat back down and Axel and Roxas high-fived, remembering to give Vexen his door key back later. Saix stared at Vexen, angered.

"Fine. I've ruled out Vexen, Axel, Xion, and Roxas now. As much as I hate you, Vexen, I don't think you're capable of lying."

Vexen smiled smugly and relaxed back in his chair. Saix growled at him, his hair dangling over his eyes. "Anyway, as for everyone else. Luxord and Zexion, you were on a mission in Wonderland yesterday afternoon, were you not?"

Luxord nodded, playing cards discreetly with Xaldin. Zexion nodded as well, then went back to staring blankly at his toast.

Saix continued. "And Lexaeus was with me, organizing the show tomorrow in Twilight Town." Everyone groaned, not looking forward to tomorrow.

Saix ignored everyone. "And that leaves Xigbar, Xaldin, Demyx, Marluxia and Larxene. Demyx, I think we'll start with you. Where were you?"

With a brief movement of his hand, Saix withdrew Demyx out of the milk and threw him to the floor, panting. Eventually, he stood up, and ran back to his chair. Everyone stared at him. "I was in my room."

Saix's eyes narrowed, and he swept around to Demyx again, then lowered his face particularly low, so his mouth was on level with Demyx's ear.

"TELL THE TRUTH!" he shouted, and Demyx flew out of his chair and crashed into Xigbar, who pushed Demyx back towards Saix, who was still waiting for an answer.

"Okay, I was in the kitchens, trying to steal leftovers." He scratched the back of his head as everyone pointed and laughed at the Melodious Nocturne.

Even Saix smiled, and walked away towards the other side of the table. "I'm sure the Dusks on kitchen duty will tell me if you're being truthful or not."

Demyx simply cowered as everyone else continued to laugh at him. Suddenly, Xaldin tossed his cards at Luxord and stood up, his brow furrowed.

"Saix! I stole the papers!"

Saix tilted his head on one side, smiling at Xaldin, who sat back down and began to cry. Everyone murmured.

"Finally! A confession! Lord Xemnas will be most pleased! Maybe he'll let me use the big toy tonight!" He grabbed Xaldin and teleported out.

There was silence momentarily, then Xigbar stood up to clear up the dishes as everyone began to talk again.

"Wonder why Xaldin did it…" Luxord murmured to Vexen.

"Hah! Demyx hunts for food in bins!" Larxene shouted to Demyx across the table.

"Well, that was retarded…" Xion murmured to her friends Roxas and Axel.


	7. Saturday

Well, here we are, the final, and longest chapter. I think I did a fairly good job with this.

* * *

The next morning, when Xaldin didn't turn up for breakfast, Roxas and Demyx were sent to look for him. As they walked to his room, they wondered what had happened to him.

"He's probably been so traumatised by Xemnas's punishment that he refuses to leave his room."

"Maybe he's accidentally hung himself with one of his dreadlocks."

They both chuckled as Demyx rapped on Xaldin's door. "Hey, Xaldy? We're all wondering where you are!" There was no reply, and after a moment's silence, Roxas shouted. "Come on, Xaldin! No matter what Xemnas and Saix did to you, we won't laugh! We promise!"

There was shuffling from inside the room, then the door opened slightly and Xaldin peered through the cracks. His normally brutal glare was lessened. Demyx smiled. "Come on, Xal! Come on out before Saix murders us!"

After a moments pause, Xaldin opened the door and stood straight up. Demyx and Roxas just stared at him in amazement. Roxas almost fainted and Demyx felt a sudden need to go to the bathroom.

"Whoa, Xaldin. What did Saix do to you?" Roxas asked after a while. Demyx scratched his head. "Um…how about we wash that stuff off you?" He snapped his fingers and a moment later Xaldin was drenched, but dignified.

"What shall we tell the others?" And for the first time, Xaldin spoke. "Nothing. Let's just leave. Now." He pushed past the pair and strode off.

Demyx and Roxas looked at Xaldin's open door and smiled at each other, before rushing inside.

*

At the same time, Marluxia and Larxene were talking about something excitedly at the breakfast table, and Luxord was doing his best to eavesdrop, but they were talking so closely together that it was hard to listen. Eventually he gave up and continued juggling his cards and thinking about this pathetic show that was happening that evening.

Moments later, Xaldin finally arrived, with his hood up. With evil grins, Marluxia and Larxene leapt at him and tried to get his hood down, but then Xemnas entered the room and everyone sat back down. The Superior was in a much better mood than usual. He was smiling. Xemnas never smiled. Except when he had trod on that spider which kept crawling into the bathtub. But only then.

He made the usual morning announcements that he did every Saturday morning. Nothing unusual. Vexen was helping Xigbar with the cooking today. Roxas was doing Saix's Anger Management Classes. If they messed up today, he'd personally murder them violently and with vigor. The usual.

After Xemnas finished eating, Roxas and Demyx crept back in, smirking at each other. When Roxas sat down, he whispered something to Axel who high-fived him.

But no matter how…well, normal, the morning seemed, to Luxord there was something wrong. And he suspected that he knew what it was.

*

A few hours later, Xemnas summoned everyone to the Round Room. He actually teleported them all from whatever they were doing straight to their seats. Which put some people in some interesting positions, particularly as Xigbar had been doing a stunt with his arrow guns at the time. Now he looked like he was trying out for the part of Hamlet at the Hollow Bastion Mental Institute's Monthly Play, where Vexen had once spent some time at before people realized he was just a harmless mad scientist. Well, as harmless as a mad scientist could be, really.

Anyway, I'm straying from the point. He glanced over at all of them, then frowned, giving them all brisk commands. It was clear he wanted to landlord to get a good impression.

"Xigbar, straighten that eye patch! Xaldin, get that dreadlock out of your mouth! Vexen, stop twitching! Lexaeus, start talking! Zexion, stop walking into walls! Axel, stop smirking! Demyx, stop fondling your sitar! Luxord, stop being so snarky! Marluxia, stop being gay! Larxene, stop being so bitchy! Roxas, your voice is annoying, stop talking! Xion, take the damn hood down!"

"Hey, you missed out Saix!" called Larxene.

"Saix is my second-in-command and therefore can have no possible flaw. At all." Xemnas replied. Larxene scowled.

"Just because you're both ga-" mumbled Axel but was cut off as Xemnas clenched his hand, getting Axel into a force choke.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." He breathed heavily. "If you want to survive, pray to the great Kingdom Hearts." He waved a hand dramatically and the roof opened, revealing Kingdom Hearts. God kills a kitten, thanks to Saix.

"That's no moon, that's a space station." Xigbar breathed heavily.

"Don't you insult the great Kingdom Hearts, II." Saix growled. "You just watch yourself. I have a death sentence on 12 worlds."

"I'll be careful."

"You'll be dead!"

On the other side of the room, Zexion sighed. "The World That Never Was. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Demyx called over to Xigbar. "I suggest a new strategy, Xigbar. Let the berserker win!"

"Hey, where did my cards go!" called Luxord, noticing a pack of cards in Marluxia's perfumed hands. Marluxia simply smiled. "These aren't the cards you're looking for!"

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" shouted Xemnas. "That is ENOUGH Star Wars quotes. Marluxia, give Luxord his cards back. Now, can we jus-"

Suddenly, Xemnas broke off in mid-sentence as Luxord stood up, his arms outstretched. His cards floated individually in front of him.

"Before we leave, Superior, I have an important announcement to make. On Thursday evening, your papers were stolen, correct?"

"Um…yes." The Superior was lost for words. What was Luxord doing?

"And yesterday, Xaldin confessed to stealing the papers, correct?"

"Yes, and he was punished severely." Xemnas glanced maliciously as Xaldin, who began sobbing.

"Well, Superior," Luxord continued, "you were wrong! Xaldin did not steal anything on Thursday!"

Everyone gasped, except Luxord and maybe Zexion, who Luxord thought might have fallen asleep in the boredom.

Saix stood up. "You lie! You lie! Xaldin publicly confessed!"

"Ah-ha. But he was forced, you see." Luxord tapped his thought thoughtfully.

Saix turned to Xemnas. "No. X is wasting our time, Superior. I suggest we tie him up and subject him to the soundtrack of the Jonas Brothers!"

Xemnas frowned. Again. "No, Saix. A: The Jonas Brothers will kill Luxord's ears faster that I could bite them off!"

Lexaeus suddenly frowned. _Hmm…suddenly I can feel a thousand fangirls screaming out loud and suddenly being silenced._

Saix was confused. "But…Superior, h-"

"Let me finish, puppy. Okay, I didn't just say that. I want to hear Luxord's evidence. It will be delightlyfully interesting to do something different this week, instead of you letting me constantly win at battleships."

Saix sat back down, grumpily. Xemnas looked at Luxord in a way that said "Carry on", and he did just that.

"My first piece of evidence. On my way to my room on Wednesday night, I heard two members of the Organization talking in the corridor. Obviously thinking that no-one was nearby, they talked of a plan to steal Xemnas's papers on Thursday, using the attack alarm as a distraction." Luxord paused for dramatic effect.

Xemnas' mouth dropped open. "Well…who were they, X?"

"I will get to the identity of the thieves later, Superior. The next day, I stayed behind a caught a glimpse of the perpetrators setting off the alarm and stealing the papers!" Everyone mumbled in shock. But then Xemnas scowled. "You lie, Luxord. Zexion, were you not on a mission in Wonderland with Luxord on Thursday when the alarm was set off?"

Zexion jerked awake, and managed to mumble an answer. "Um…yes, Superior, the cheese does make a polyhedron…" and he fell asleep again.

"How do you explain that, Luxord?" Xemnas queried.

"I can testify to that, Superior." Vexen said. "At midnight on Wednesday, Luxord came to my lab, where I was doing some last-minute experimenting, and asked me to make a replica of him. We bantered briefly, then I agreed. The next day I sent a perfect replica of Luxord, though minus genitalia, and had it travel with Zexion to Wonderland."

Luxord continued. "Leaving me plenty of time to spy on the thieves. And that concludes my first piece of evidence. I now had the identity of the thieves, now all I needed was proof."

Demyx, normally flinging paper balls at Luxord, was now watching him incessantly, ignoring the paper balls Xigbar was telepathically flicking at him.

"Watching the thief, I watched them escape back to their rooms via a very specific route. I believe, you, Xigbar, was testify as to where the thief went?"

Xigbar put down the largest paper ball and took a moment to realize what Luxord meant. Then he realized. "Oh, yeah. Thursday night, I saw one of us run through the library. They had their hood up, which is odd. We normally beat up the ones who have their hoods up. I think they left through an air vent." He finished talking then hurled the paper ball as Demyx, but it missed, picking up velocity as it fell until it smashed through the floor, into Vexen's lab, and caused a mild explosion.

"Thank you, Xigbar. We all know you need a special library pass from the Sorcerer down at Twilight's View to access the library. We know the thief now needed to fit this criteria." Using his finger, he traced the words "Access to library," in the air, which stayed there floating near his head.

Saix rolled his eyes, obviously thinking this whole thing was a waste of time. Luxord continued. "Now, earlier today, I accosted Roxas and discovered that Xaldin was in a unique state of embarrasment this morning. I assume that after he confessed, he was "persuaded" again by the thieves not to talk, just as he was "persuaded" to confess to the stealing of the papers. Now, the thieves must both live in the corridor with Xaldin's room, since the Samurai that patrols the room between the two hallways reported no-one from the west hall entering the east hall." He quickly traced the words, "East hall" in the air.

*

Luxord clasped his hands together, and his cards stacked and sorted themselves quickly. "I now hope that the end of this rather unique solution will be over soon. I needed one more piece of evidence before I could convict my thieves. Earlier, I asked Demyx if he had touched anything in Xaldin's room. He said he had, and when I smelt his hands, found that Demyx had picked up a rather unique scent in Xaldin's room. The scent which was used to "persuade" him not to talk. I know of only one person in this castle that holds this scent." He paused momentarily. "Superior," He waved his hand and his pack of cards began floating upwards towards Xemnas. "Smell my cards, if you please." Xemnas gave a confused look, but sniffed, then wrinkled his nose.

"Well, there is definitely a…unique scent on these cards, Luxord, but what's your point?"

"You see, Organization XIII, who else has handled these cards recently? Only two people. Myself, and I you were to smell me anywhere else, you would not smell any of this scent. Only one person handled these cards, and that is person that stole them from me not fifteen minutes ago."

Everyone gasped, as Luxord pointed a finger at the culprit. "The thief is you, Marluxia!"

"OBJECTION! Do you have any prove, Luxord?" Marluxia sneered.

"Proof. There's that word, again. I have plenty of proof. But first, let me ask a simple question. Why Xaldin? Why, Marluxia, did you want Xaldin to take the blame, instead of Demyx, or Xion, or even me? Why Xaldin? Because, of this!" He waved his hand, and a small hidden video camera appeared in his hand.

"You should all know that Xaldin, having recently discovered something called the "Kingdom Hearts Kink Meme" planted these cameras in everyone's bedroom, for some…inspiration." Everyone glared at Xaldin, who lowered his head.

"He even went so far as to place a camera in his own bedroom, for some strange, perverse reason! And that camera will give us the proof we need, Marluxia, for you and your accomplice will be on that tape! Superior, if you would please…"

Xemnas snapped his fingers and a video screen appeared. "On this screen will be the footage recorded in Xaldin's room that night. This is your proof, Marluxia!" He snapped his fingers and the footage started playing. He stood there, his arms folded, his eyes sweeping over the faces of the Organization.

It took him a while to register the shocked, and disgusted expressions on everyone's, even Marluxia's face. Realizing this wasn't the reaction he hoped, he turned around, and, realizing his grave mistake, switched over to the right footage, and paused, trying to bleach his brain of what he had just subjected everyone to.

"Axel, how could you?" Saix practically screamed.

Xigbar was almost crying. "I bought those sea-salt ice creams specifically for you! And you go and abuse them! I…I trusted you, Axel…" He burst into tears, and Demyx reached over and patted his shoulder.

Axel was silent, except for the fact that he had burst into flames. Roxas leaped into Xion's lap as the flames set his chair on fire.

Finally, Luxord found the correct footage and switched it on. There were minutes of silence, broken only by a grainy crackle from the vintage screen as the events that had played out that night were replayed. Marluxia buried his head in his hands and glanced at the accomplice, murmuring a hurried, "Deny everything."

Eventually, the video ended.

Xemnas folded his arms, and closed his eyes. "How could you…Zexion."

The Cloaked Schemer, laughed, a cold, high laugh that echoed around the Round Room.

"Fools…you fools…you never suspected me, the emo, the young one? Not even you, Mansex!"

Everyone gasped and cringed. Calling Xemnas Mansex = extreme pain for several months.

Zexion started to laugh again, but was cut off as Xemnas pressed a button, causing Zexion's chair to tip him backwards and down a chute. His cries continued for a few seconds until there was a muffled THUMP.

In all the confusion, Marluxia was trying to creep away, but was stopped when Xaldin flung his lances into No. XI's hair. Only one of them hit, four hit the floor and the sixth impaled Xion in the chest. She began to spark and jerk around, and Vexen reminded to take her down to the lab for repairs.

"Curse you…long, flowing…sikly, beautiful hair." Marluxia said as he tried to free himself from being pinned to a wall. The last things Marluxia heard before he was knocked out with a square punch to the jaw was a tasteful, "Who's the bitch now, Marluxia?" from Xaldin.

With Zexion in the dungeon and Marluxia unconscious, everything was quiet for a few moments. Eventually, Saix turned to Xemnas. "Um, well…I suppose we should head to Twilight Town for the show now, huh?"

Xemnas facepalmed. "Saix, the show ended hours ago. We've been sitting here for Kingdom Hearts knows how long."

"Oh…" Saix turned into a puppy and played dead.

Suddenly, Roxas spoke up. Unusual for him, the little brat. "Wait a minute…I thought Zexion was in Wonderland with the Luxord Replica yesterday…How could he have set off the alarm?"

Luxord's mouth dropped. He hadn't thought of that. All of that, spoiled by the little kid! He reminded himself to lock the little kid in his room. Or send him some links to shock sites on the Internet he found. Or both.

Everyone turned to Vexen, having figured out the answer simultaneously. Vexen also began to laugh maniacally. God, what was with all the crazy laughing?

"Yes, you fools, I was a double agent! I worked both sides of the pancake!"

And with that, he let off a nucleur bomb hidden beneath the cloak, and the worlds were destroyed in an instant.

*

Axel woke up, sweating. He lay there for a few moments, then turned to the person lying in bed next to him.

"I just had the weirdest dream. The Organization spent a whole week doing retarded, inappropriate stuff, and we broke the fourth wall. A lot." There was a pause. "It was a dream, right?"

"Of course, dear, now go back to sleep." Axel turned over and closed his eyes, but then instantly realized what had happened last night. He had drank a lot of alcohol. He had took a lot of drugs. And his ass was sore. And Demyx was tied to the wall, covered in liquid latex, with whip marks all over him.

"What is it Axel?" asked Lexaeus, as Axel turned back over, the French maid outfit bursting at the seams.

Axel screamed and rolled out of bed, smashing through the floor and falling through several floors until he landed in the kitchen, where a bookshelf full of cookbooks fell over and crushed him.

Lexaeus shrugged and turned over. "What's his problem?" asked Xigbar, who was wearing a gimp suit and suspended from the ceiling.

*

And it was all a dream. There. Happy? No? Well, tough. A lot of people felt this way about _Super Mario Bros. 2_, and they got over it.

The End.

* * *

Well, that's the end of my first humor fic. And probably my only one. Once you've done all the sex gags, it's hard to think of any more. Well, Happy New Year.


End file.
